Transcript
You’re listening to In Sickness, a podcast about caregiving, with Allison Breininger and Justin Bajema.
Allison: Hi, Justin, good morning.
Justin: Good morning, Allison.
Allison:Hey, our last episode on loneliness that just came out, we have just been hearing from a lot of our listeners about that topic.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: And so I just want to thank people for reaching out and telling us kind of how that has been sitting with them. And it’s just interesting, I think we talked a lot of pieces, about a lot of pieces about how loneliness can show up, but people have been saying even more things that I think we didn’t even cover. And so like somebody said the other day, the loneliness of like, that their person for her, it was her spouse, isn’t well enough to go out.
Allison: And so she still goes out, but then is lonely there with her group of friends as she sees, you know, knows that her partner is at home. Somebody said something about the ultimate loneliness of her, the person she cared for was her father passed away. So it was lonely to be a caregiver, and now is lonely afterwards, missing the person.
Allison: So just wanted to, it’s been really powerful in these last couple of days to interact with listeners about that topic, and just to feel like it’s really resonating with people. So I’m glad we talked about that. Is there anything with you that you have thought about more with that topic or anything that you’re thinking about?
Justin: Something that I’ve been thinking about lately is we’ve talked about loneliness, we talked about all the decisions we have to make and how there’s so many challenges that we’re facing. We talked about how it’s hard to not let the role of caregiver take over and be all that you are. And I think one of the things that can help in a lot of those situations is getting help from other people, which opens yourself up to have more time for yourself to be a more complete person, or that’s human contact, people reaching out that can help with the loneliness.
Justin: And yet I know that it’s been this way for me in the past. I know I’ve heard it from a lot of other caregivers, like asking for help can be really hard to be vulnerable like that. And yet, I think it is something that to have your life as a caregiver be sustainable, is a skill that is like needing something you need to develop.
Justin: And it’s something that has been a journey for me. I don’t know how that’s played out for you over the years, but I thought we could kind of talk about that some and kind of work through some of the kind of blocks that people have to asking for help and maybe kind of some ways that they can work through that or get around that and start feeling more supported.
Allison: Yeah, no, it’s such an important topic. And I think it’s interesting when you said it’s like a skill that many of us have to build. And it just always strikes me that like, you know, we always say this is so hard and we’re already doing so many things. Now there’s a new skill we have to build. We have to learn how to be good at asking for help. But it’s just like, ah, for goodness sake.
Allison: You know, like, there’s always something else that we have to learn to do or be good at. You know, but I think, like you said, like, the life that most of us are living as caregivers is not sustainable the way it is. And that we have to, we have to ask for help. We have to. And this is one of the conversations I feel like I have most with caregivers, is that people then quickly come back to say like, well, I can’t because, and there’s a laundry list of reasons that people feel they can’t. So you said it’s something you’ve struggled with when you think about how, for you, it feels hard to ask for help. Like, what are the things that come to mind? Why does that feel challenging?
Justin: I think that, I mean, one thing that I don’t know if I feel this way as much now, but there’s been a sense that, you know, somehow it got in, it gets in your head that, you know, I should be able to handle all of this. I should be able to manage this. And so to then ask for help is somehow admitting failure, which on one level I understand is completely false. But that sense that, you know, I couldn’t do it, I wasn’t able to handle it, is a hard thing to kind of come to terms with.
Allison: Absolutely. You know, I agreed with you so quickly and said yes, and I want to make sure that I’m saying yes, that that’s a common thought, not yes, that it’s true, right?
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: Because I hear that a lot from caregivers who say, I should be able to do all of this.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: Well, who says?You know, who says that you should be able to suddenly be a nurse and a dietician and an insurance expert? You know, all of these things, who says that we should? But I think that that’s what people hear so frequently, that they’re like, well, I’m the mom, I’m the husband, I’m the brother, I’m the neighbor. I should be able to do all of these things. And if, like you said, if I ask for help, that’s me admitting that I cannot do it.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: But I just wonder, like, if we flip the script for a second, and if we think about someone else in our life, like I’m sitting over here thinking about my friend Justin and all that he does, I don’t think you should be able to do it all. I don’t think that as I think about other people who have these really complicated lives as caregivers, there’s no part in my brain that thinks, oh, well, they should be able to do it all by themselves. And so for some reason, we think about ourselves, even though we would never think about it for the people in our lives. Why is that? Why do we hold ourselves to this, like, ridiculous standard that we don’t hold anybody else to?
Justin: Mm-hmm. Yeah, I don’t…
Allison: I guess that’s a hypothetical question.
Justin: Yeah, because I don’t know. I haven’t figured that one out. But it’s so true that, like, I feel this way about myself, but, like, I see someone else, you know, struggling, and it’s like that’s not… That thought doesn’t even come into the picture that, like, they should be able to handle all that, and they’re failing if they ask for help. It’s like you want to then, okay, what can I do to support them?
Allison: Yeah, right.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: Right. Because if you think about the people in your life, and you think about someone who’s had a heart diagnosis or a tragedy or something, you know, and we’ve talked about, like, I’m an empath, and, you know, even if you’re not an empath, and you know that your friend is over there, and they are sitting in their house, and they are having a hard time, there’s this ache in many of us of, like, I feel for them, and I wish I could do something. And I think a piece that we often overlook is that letting somebody help is giving them a gift, right?
Justin: Right.
Allison: Like, when I’m sitting there and I’m thinking about this person, I’m like, oh, man, they’re struggling, da-da-da. If I, if they say, you know what would be really helpful? It would be really helpful if you could just come walk my dog this week. Great! Great! Like, I know that I am filling a need, and that I, the giver, feel so much better, because I was able to do something.
Allison: And I think that’s something that we often overlook is that gift of letting the helper help, taking away their feeling of helplessness, and of worry, and of concern, and letting them jump in and help, in a way, is a gift to them. And I think we overlook that, and we’re sort of keeping that gift from them by not letting people help, and by saying, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. When anybody looking at us can know, they’re not fine. Right?
Justin: Yeah. I think another thing is there’s a real vulnerability to asking for help with this caregiving stuff and somehow letting other people into this part of our lives. And for me, something that historically was not something that I talked about much or really opened up at all about. And so, yeah, it can be real scary because you kind of have to open up about that a little bit to ask for help and to kind of… there’s kind of you feel exposed a little bit.
Allison: Yeah, so even telling people what’s going on in your life.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: So sometimes it can feel vulnerable to say like, I need help, but sort of almost the precursor is like, I need help because my wife is sick. And maybe the my wife is sick is a piece that you hadn’t told people about before.
Justin: Or my wife is sick, but like, here’s actually what that looks like on a day to day basis.
Allison: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it’s such a catch 22, right? Because, you know, you don’t, if people don’t know what’s going on, if they just think you’re just regular old Justin, right? Who goes home to an easy household, they’re not going to even know to ask or to offer. Or if you say, hey, could you bring me dinner? They might be like, I mean, okay, cool. But why? You know? But once they get let in, but also I know that there’s some challenges there with that being let in.
Allison: I think I’m allowed to share this now. I’m just going to go ahead. We’ll see if it… That is that last fall, my dad had prostate cancer and did not want anyone to know. He is now finished with treatment and is totally successfully doing great. So he is now like letting a couple people know.
Allison: And he doesn’t listen to the podcast, so it’s okay. But that was really hard. I’ll just say that it was hard as, you know, I was the secondary care giver in the situation, but to not be able to tell anybody, so when people would say, how are you? How’s your family? How are things? How was your week? To not be able to say, actually, we could use a little extra support, and here’s why. But just to be like, everything’s fine, everything’s fine. Fine, fine, yep, we’re fine.
Allison: When in reality, and again, I wasn’t taking on the brunt of that, the work of caregiving, but to not be able to say, we could use these extra things because of this. And so it was a really hard thing because we wanted to balance my dad’s privacy around that. He didn’t want people to know in that moment. And I respect that. And I saw that my mom as the primary caregiver and me as the secondary, we weren’t able to get that extra support because we weren’t allowed to tell anybody. And so that’s a hard balance.
Allison: And I think if you’re in that situation, not you, Justin, if listeners are in that situation of the person you’re caring for doesn’t want people to know, I think caregiver, if you can say to them, you know, I respect that and I’m in this too. Like, I’m part of the story too. And I need some help. You know?
Allison: And so a couple of creative things I’ve thought about with that is, you know, it’s a little harder to know that the holiday season is over. But there are some things that you could say, like if anybody was like, what would you like for your birthday? What would you like for the holidays? Whatever. If you just said like, I’d really like snow removal service. I’d really like grocery delivery. I mean, that’s just the kind of thing that like any human could benefit from. And you don’t necessarily have to say, I would like this because I’m a caregiver. But it could help your caregiving life.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: You know, so there’s some kind of sneaky ways that you can do it if you’re feeling like, or if you’re in a situation where your person does not want other people to know.
Justin: Yeah, that’s a hard situation to be in for sure. One thing you said there that kind of reminded me of kind of how things got started for us is you had mentioned about like having a specific thing to ask for. And I think when things started out with Sarah, it was a very gradual decline. And so, you know, two months in, it wasn’t like I need help with stuff.
Allison: Yeah.
Justin: You know, it was kind of like she had this migraine that was really intense. And then like she had, you know, increasingly she had more fatigue, and she stopped being able to drive. And it kind of over, I don’t know if it was even maybe like a year or more, it kind of gradually happened. So there wasn’t like all of a sudden, like we’re in crisis mode. And like, I obviously need help.
Allison: Right.
Justin: I could, you know, at the start, it was like, yeah, we can handle this. We can handle this. Yeah, until we couldn’t. I couldn’t. And at that point, like I was so far down the road of being burned out by it that I didn’t know what to ask for. I didn’t know like how to access the like, okay, what’s what are things that would be helpful? Who can I ask for these things to get help with? And just feeling really stuck in that.
Allison: Yeah.
Justin: And I don’t know if that’s different for people who have like, you get a sudden diagnosis that goes into immediately into a very intense treatment. And if people, I mean, it probably depends on personality types and things like that. But if that’s not to say that that’s easier, but if that snaps you into like, I need help.
Justin: But I do know that the gradualness of it, like was an additional challenge because there was such a delay between like, needing help and like, feeling like eased into that process or something.
Allison: Totally. So I am the other side, the crisis moment. And I want to go there. But first, I want to, if you don’t mind, like, what was it when you did this sort of gradual thing? Can you remember, like, at what point was it that you like sort of was it like a waking up one day? Like, how did you realize at one point, like, oh, man, I can’t do this? Like, what did that look like? What sort of prompted that to finally happen?
Justin: I think it was just, like, the level of burnout, and, like, it got to the point where it truly felt like I wasn’t able to continue doing all the things that I was doing. And I think that’s when we kind of shifted to, and it had to do with, I think, her getting a little bit worse, because it was kind of, I think that was around the time when I started working from home a little bit more. And Sarah’s mom was coming over a couple of days when I had to be at work, and kind of shuffling around some of that stuff. But yeah, it was necessity, I think, that I couldn’t function at that level anymore.
Allison: And then once you realized that, you said it was hard to know, like, where do I even begin? So could you share, like, what did you do?
Justin: I wish I had, like, a recollection of. Yeah, what I don’t really, I just remember being in the spot where it was, I felt stuck. And like I said, I think that’s kind of when we transitioned to having Sarah’s mom there some of the time while I was be at work and kind of getting a little bit, and me being at home a little bit more, working from home to help be there for Sarah, which granted that’s not asking for help necessarily.
Justin: Well, there’s asking for accommodation from work, to be able to kind of be in a little bit more of a situation that could better support, you know, what I needed to do as a caregiver. But yeah, even through that, it’s just for me personally, it’s asking for help has never been an easy, like default thing for me.
Allison: Yeah.
Justin: I don’t know if that’s how much of that is personality. I think there’s even a fear of like, you know, what if they say no, which is doesn’t feel like a like a reasonable thing to fear in this situation. But it’s like…
Allison: Does that feel like a like a rejection or something or an embarrassment? Like, what does it feel like if somebody if you said, Hey, could you bring us dinner? And they say, No, I can’t this week. Like, what does that feel like?
Justin: It just kind of feels like, well, I tried to do the thing where I’m supposed to ask for help and it didn’t work out.
Allison: Yeah.
Justin: Kind of thing. And then it’s just like, now we’re going to try again.
Allison: Yes, yes, 100%. Something I just have to plug this here quick is the IanaCare app. I know I’ve said it before. I’ve got to bring it up again. So it’s IANA, I-A-N-A, which stands for I’m Not Alone, free app in the App Store. And that’s the thing I love about the app, because something that people have told me too is like, you know, if someone says, how can I help?
Allison: I have to go through this mental calculus of, okay, here’s this person standing in front of me. How do I almost do a matchmaking to all the tasks that I have and what they might be interested in and able to do? And do they have a car? And are they good at cooking? And all the things. And it’s exhausting.
Allison: So then we end up just saying, I’m fine. I don’t need anything. So something I love about the IANA Care app is that, because too, I would think about, okay, here’s this moment. Who can I ask? And then you text somebody, and it’s like, how long do I wait for them to respond before I text somebody else? So on the app, you can put out a request like, I really need someone to drive my aunt to school.
Allison: And it goes to everybody on your team, the text goes to everybody on your team, and they can just say right there, yep, I got it. And even because of what you just said, we’re careful about the language. I think it says something like, sorry, not this time. You know, something sort of gentle, not like a no so you don’t feel rejected. And you don’t have to hear the nos. You just get an alert when there’s a yes.
Allison: And it just feels so good. It takes that matchmaking piece out. If there’s people who are allergic to animals, they can shut off the, don’t ask me to help you with your pets. If they don’t drive, they can shut off the, don’t ask me for rides kind of thing. But I think that that was a game changer for me in the mental gymnastics of, who can I ask? And have I asked them? And how many times have I asked them lately? And are they sick of me asking for help? And what if they say no? Just put it out there. You don’t have to talk to anybody, which I really like. Really, really like.
Allison: When you said earlier about like yours was a gradual versus extreme, because I was thinking about this, like for me asking for help is not, it’s logistically challenging, like I just described sometimes, but it doesn’t feel like emotionally challenging for me. And I’m not sure why that is, but I think that part of it might be what you hit on about. Like I was thrust into, like he got the diagnosis, and then it was like bone marrow transplant, which as I’ve said, is like I think the worst thing that can happen.
Allison: And so it wasn’t just like, oh, a little of this, a little of that. It was like, nope. Like essentially like he has to leave his job, you need to take a leave of absence, you need people to live with you, your cat has to go away, you’re going to be in the hospital for probably months.
Allison: You know what I mean? It was like so intense that they help you set things up, like they help you start to ask for help. And so I think that like from day one, I started delegating, you know, and I haven’t stopped since. I think, I don’t know what it is about. And again, like, is this an enneagram thing? I would guess that nine peacemakers probably have a harder time asking for help. But I think that that is part of it, is that from the beginning, I was sort of thrown into such an intense situation.
Justin: You were forced to practice that muscle.
Allison: I was.
Justin: Right off the bat, and you had to. Yeah.
Allison: I think, though, the thing is, like, so bone marrow transplant is a thing that people sort of understand, right? It’s a language that, even if they don’t understand the science, they’re like, that’s bad, right? These people need casseroles. People sort of jump to that. Same thing with cancer diagnoses, is that people jump on board. They’re like, we understand cancer, we understand chemo, we’re here to help.
Allison: I think a big thing is that with other diagnoses, people, there isn’t that urgency. So, if you were to say, my wife has ME, first of all, people might not be familiar with that, and they don’t quite understand as much of what it looks like, and it doesn’t feel like as much of an acute, sort of like you’re about to go in for 35 days of chemo kind of situation. And I think then people are less likely to jump up and say, oh, how can I help?
Allison: Same thing with Alzheimer’s and dementia, which is, I think, so prevalent right now, that I think people are like, oh, that sounds hard, but they don’t think to say, how can I help? Because it’s not as acute, I don’t know if that’s the right word, but as cancer. So for some of us, like in my situation, it’s like Sean had a new surgery, Sean had a new biopsy. People jump to it because they understand that language, and then they’re sending us stuff. But with other types of illnesses, especially chronic illnesses, people don’t jump up either to begin with, or sometimes after a while, even with something like cancer, they’re like, really, you’re still sick? I forgot about you. And I’ve heard that from people too. In the beginning, people wanted to help, but now we’ve been sick so long, nobody’s asking anymore.
Justin: Right, and there’s no continuing events like scans, treatments, that kind of thing that can kind of bring it up to the surface again in their attention.
Allison: Right. So how do you, in a situation like that, and I know you’re so fortunate, you’ve got family right there. And so I know they’re a huge part of your support group. But how might a family where it’s not these triggering events that keep happening, that like you said, bring it to the surface and help people say, oh, I should send a gift card, casserole, whatever. How can people with other chronic illnesses stay on the radar, continue to ask for help when there aren’t those events? Do you know what I mean?
Justin: Yeah, and I think that’s a real challenge. And I think unfortunately, unless, it depends on the people that are in your life, but I think it kind of can fall on the caregiver to keep that conversation going with the people who could be your supporters as far as, maybe you don’t have an update, but you can say, yeah, things are still hard. This is what’s going on these days. We could use some help with this. And kind of to keep that kind of in their ear. And it’s unfortunate that I think that that, in a lot of cases, may fall on the caregiver.
Justin: But I think that that may be what would have to happen unless you have built a solid team around you who’s kind of in this with you. And I think that can be a big part of having a successful, I don’t know what a successful caregiving experience is, but a sustainable experience is to have that team of supporters around you who know what you’re going through, who are there to jump in. And I think when you mentioned the IANAcare app, I’m sure there’s people who are like, yeah, that sounds like that would be really helpful, but I don’t have anybody to put on a team.
Allison: Right.
Justin: And that’s a big barrier, I think, for a lot of people, especially if you’ve been in it for a while and are at a point where you realize, okay, I’ve been doing this for four, five, six years, and I can’t keep going like this. I am beyond burned out. I need a team of people to help me.
Justin: To be at that point, and then one, to feel like you have to put in that work to find those people, to do that. And that, I think, pulls back to that what we talked about, feeling like you failed to get to that point. Now I have to build this team of people to support me, and I don’t have the energy for that.
Allison: Yeah, that’s what I keep thinking with each of these things, is each of these is a new task. Now I have to build my skills at asking for help. Now I have to think about who I have in my circles and build a team. Now I have to update people so that they still know it’s hard. You know what I mean? It’s like, to get help requires a lot of work.
Justin: Unfortunately, I think it can, but I think it’s one of those kinds of tasks that if you can do it successfully, it’s going to lighten your load. It’s going to shrink the size of your caregiving responsibility and allow more space for you to do other things or just to rest and recharge and exist for a while, which is something we all need, I think, more and more.
Allison: Right. I think I also, in connection with that, hear people say a lot, well, it’s just easier if I just do it myself.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: And I know somebody right now who, her son is having a bone marrow transplant actually, and her mom is at the apartment with her other son, and one day she said, Mom, can you make the coffee for me so when I show up to grab it, it’s ready? And then her mom asked her like 14 questions. Well, what kind and how much and how many beans and she was just like, forget it. You know, like not worth it. And it’s like, okay, yes, but if maybe if you teach her once, are you write it down once, it’s annoying today, but then she can do it. Do you know what I mean?
Allison: And I think that sometimes we can get into that. Well, it’s just easier if I just do it myself. Or people have said that they’re worried about anybody else doing some of these really important tasks. And to that, I would say, like, I personally and everybody’s different. I personally wouldn’t delegate my medical caregiving tasks.
Justin: Right.
Allison: I personally wouldn’t delegate having somebody else take Sean to an appointment unless it was, like, a really easy, whatever kind of appointment, right? I would, though, delegate shoveling, you know, lawn care, meals, laundry, because I don’t really care about, you know. And having somebody take those things off my plate makes me have more capacity to do the medical pieces, right?
Allison: So I think we, even though the caregiving things are the extras, the extra things that we have, we can add the, like, regular human stuff. The regular human stuff is stuff we can delegate, stuff we don’t really, like, I don’t care if somebody messes up my towels, like, whatever, just wash them, you know, like, or whatever. So I think that there are some of those things we just have to get rid of, you know, like things that I think about, like, early, early, early in our marriage, like my mother-in-law would come to visit.
Allison: I’d be like, everything has to be perfect and everything. And now if she came to help, I would be like, if you see something and you feel like it’s dirty and you want to clean it, clean it. Great. I don’t care. You know what I mean? Like, some of that stuff you just have to kind of, like, let go of at some point.
Allison: I think the other huge thing you brought up is people saying, yeah, cool, start a team. I don’t have people. Which is hard. And I want to say a couple of things. One is that this darn pandemic has taught us some things about how to help people remotely. And so even if you don’t have people in your town, there’s a lot of ways that people in your circles who are long distance can still help.
Allison: So you can, like on the app, if you use the app, like you could say, I need dinner. And I’ve had people like Door Dash us dinner from across the country. Or lawn care, and then they like have bought us a lawn care service, you know, or whatever that is. Grocery delivery, like so much of it is remote anyway, right now, that for you to think about, it doesn’t have to be somebody who’s down the street who can come help. So expand your picture of who your team could be to not just think about the closest people in your life. We live really close by. It could be far away, people who live logistically far away. It also doesn’t have to be like your best, best friends, right?
Allison: So like if your kid’s on a soccer team, think about are there other parents on that soccer team that you could just explain enough to so that they could pick your kid up and take him to soccer. So it doesn’t have to be like your bestest, bestest friends. But like we all have like acquaintances.
Allison: Now, you know, like somebody was saying that they have like their mailman, they asked their mailman to like knock on their elderly mother’s door when he does the mail. So just so that like they know that she’s doing okay, you know? So I think for us to expand that, expand our vision of who our people could be.
Allison: And I think the other piece is that like a lot of resources exist. And so we beyond just like sometimes we can fill in the gaps with humans that aren’t our friends. You know, like I keep bringing up snow because I live in Minnesota, and it’s a very big deal here. But as I’m sure I’ve said before, is that like the very best birthday present of all time is that my parents got us a shoveling service for this winter. And I cannot tell you the game changer that has been for me. Just to have that off of my plate, instead of like looking at the forecast and be like, oh man, you know.
Allison: And so that is something that like, even if you don’t have friends who could maybe show up, can you ask for that as a gift or can you splurge and do that so that a resource, an outside resource, can be helpful to you. It doesn’t always have to be people in your circles.
Justin: Right. No, that’s helpful. That’s good. I think another thing that can be hard with asking for help is we go through times where things are more or less, not easy, but like straightforward or we’re kind of in the quote unquote normal times.
Allison: Whatever that means.
Allison: Whatever that means. But like for us right now, I mean, Sarah’s doing fairly well, all things considered, and we’re with her parents. And so there’s a lot going on as far as them helping and kind of sharing responsibilities there. And so it can feel like that’s not a time to ask for help because there’s no immediate crisis.
Allison: Right.
Justin: Everything is kind of handled, and yet as a caregiver, you can be living through those times and still be extremely burned out and just at the end of your capacity.
Allison: Yep.
Justin: And I think it can be a real struggle to be like, well, things aren’t bad right now, so I shouldn’t ask for help now. Or I think there could even be a sense of like, I want to save the help for when things do get bad.
Allison: Interesting.
Justin: I don’t want to like overstay my welcome now.
Allison: Yeah.
Justin: Which again, I think is we tell ourselves these things that are not at all accurate to what the minds of the people that want to support us is.
Allison: Right.
Justin: And it just kind of can build up that wall.
Allison: Agreed. So true, because I think that like when you said normal times or easy times, like I don’t, these caregivers, like we don’t really, Yeah. that’s not really true, right? We don’t really have those. And so, but I get that it’s like less crisis-y times.
Justin: Mm-hmm.
Allison: But even those days are harder than Joe Schmo, nextdoor’s regular days. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Like our easy day is a hard day for most people. And so I think for us to remember that, because I think there are going to be crisis days, for sure. And I think about the non-crisis days as times to like resource ourselves, to like shore ourselves up.
Justin: That’s a great way to think about it.
Allison: So when those crisis days happen, we are better, in a better spot. Right? And so if we have somebody who’s able to help and bring a meal or this or that for this quote easy week, then we can rest a little more, and we can do a couple more things that we want to do and all that, so that if a week later something really hard happens, we don’t go into it as depleted as we maybe would have, if we hadn’t gotten that help before. And so I think, and I’m guilty of this as well, I would feel like, oh, should I really ask for help now? Because people, there’s nothing really big happening.
Allison: But life, my life is a really big thing. And so I think it’s always good to be asking for that, so that we can try to, we always talk about this like a long, long, long checklist or to do this, that like the typical human, it’s like this long and ours is like so much longer. So even if on a regular day, we can kind of eke it up a little bit closer to the regular length, just to help ourselves feel a little more balanced and a little less burnt out. In general, but especially to prepare for those harder times that are going to come up.
Justin: Yeah, to be able to use those times to build that community around us, I think that really resonates. Because, yeah, we need to be part of a community to do this. And we’re not as humans designed to just work in isolation and just handle our own things. We need that group of people around us to share responsibilities. And for whatever reason, there’s still this pervasive, individualistic mindset that I should be able to do this myself, or I need to be able to do this myself, or I can’t ask for help. And I hope that we’ve been able to maybe get caregivers thinking a little bit about how they can start opening up and building a team or asking for some things, however small that is. I mean, you can start real small with, I ordered this thing from Target, can you pick it up and drop it off?
Allison: Yeah.
Justin: Something like that, or like you mentioned, my kid needs a ride to soccer, something like that, starting small. And I think for supporters who are listening, reach out. And we’ve had some ideas here of things that people can do for help and offer something specific and kind of keep plugged into the caregivers’ lives and be aware how things are going.
Justin: And if you can preemptively anticipate a need and kind of step in or, you know, I can’t do this, but so-and-so would be able to and do a little work. Maybe you can do a little work as a supporter to expand the team a little bit. Because yeah, as caregivers, we’re often feeling pretty tapped out. So if you can come to us, it’s hugely appreciated.
Allison: Yeah. And I think even that I love that when people text me and say, hey, I’m going to Target later, anything you need. You know, those kind of things, because that makes me feel like less of a burden because they’re already going to Target. I’m not sending them there. You know, and then they’ve asked. So I think some of those little things, I think, you know, we did, I did a series on Instagram recently about called like, relegating is a form of self-care because we talk about self-care all the time, yada, yada, and everything we take off our plate gives us a little more time and space and energy back in our day, which we need. So I think even, you know, like you said, starting a team on the IANAcare app or asking a couple people for help, but also thinking about, you know, caregivers were always the worst at putting ourselves first.
Allison: So I know it’s hard to spend time and money on ourselves, but things like you and I were talking the other day about some of those like meal services, like HelloFresh or whatever, right? So instead of making us from scratch dinner every night, like what if you get a service like that? And it just reduces the amount of work and time. So there are services out there as well that even if you don’t feel like you have actual people, like are there some of those you could take advantage of? We still, and I think we will always, pandemic or not, like we get our groceries delivered. And it’s just like saves me so much time and energy, you know?
Allison: Or like we put the cat food on like automatic delivery service. Like what are the little things like that that you can do to just cross some things off your list, regardless of if you have humans who can help? That’s the best. But even if you don’t, like what are the services that are out there that can help you to just like reduce your burden just a little bit so that you can be buoyed up as you go through your day?
Justin: No, that’s great. I did have one thing I wanted to share. I had something happen this week. Some friends were going out to breakfast and were still kind of avoiding a lot of stuff due to COVID and all of that. Yeah. So it wasn’t something I was able to attend. But one of them texted me and was like, hey, do you want me to pick up some something to go for you and Sarah?
Allison: Oh.
Justin: And drop it off. And it was like, it wasn’t something we needed.
Allison: Right.
Justin: But it was such an amazingly thoughtful and kind gesture that really meant a lot to both of us.
Allison: Did you shake them up on it?
Justin: Yeah, we did.
Allison: Yeah.
Justin: And it was a nice treat. And it felt like someone saw us in our lives as it is and reached out. And it was a win.
Allison: That’s awesome. I keep thinking about how last time your friend said, when it’s safe to do so, we can’t wait to go out for a beer with you. And so we’ve talked about that piece about like, invite us, but then be okay if we can’t come.
Allison: But I love this breakfast thing because that took it to the next level. Invite us, be okay if we can’t come, and then offer to bring us something. I love that too because it’s not, when we talk about asking for help, I think we often get into the nitty gritty and the logistics. But it’s also the sweet things. That lightened your day, I’m sure, and made you feel less lonely. All of those things, and just knowing that those friends are willing to do that, might make you more willing in the future to ask them for help.
Allison: Because you’re like, oh, they’re willing to bring me breakfast. So supporters, think about that too, that the logistics are great and we need help with those. And we like treats, and to be seen, and to be thought of, and to have somebody bring us a pancake or whatever. That’s…
Justin: Right.
Allison: Man, that’s awesome. Your friends win all the points. That’s awesome. Supporters, as you’re listening, try to do something like that this week. My goodness.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: Send a text. Say I’m headed to Target. What can I bring you? Say, you know, I’d love to have a beer with you when this thing is over. You know, like, say I’d like to bring a meal this week. Tell me what day is the best. Send a gift card for a grocery delivery. Shovel some snow. Whatever it is. Like, just try to take something off of a caregiver’s plate so that the caregivers don’t have to ask. And caregivers who are listening know that asking is not a sign of weakness.
Justin: No.
Allison: At all. And so take the step to let some people in.
Justin: At all.
Allison: Let them know what your reality is and to ask. To ask for help, even if it’s a, quote, easy day. Or whatever kind of day it is, to ask for the help that you need. Think about checking out the IANAcare app. Maybe start a team. Maybe look up some resources. But something to take something off your plate. Because you got a lot on your plate, and it’s not sustainable to keep going in the way that many of us are. So it’s okay to ask for help.
Justin: Yeah. No, that’s a great thought to end on there.
Allison: Oh, that breakfast story is going to make me smile all day. I love it. Yeah. All right. Thanks for talking, my friend.
Justin: Yeah. This has been a really good conversation, and I hope it kind of sparks some things in some people and can help them along the way.
Allison: I hope so, too. All right. Talk to you later.
Justin: Take care.
You’ve been listening to In Sickness. Find us online at insickness.care or on Instagram at In Sickness Podcast.
You can send your questions and comments to insicknesspodcast!@gmail.com. If you enjoyed this show, please share it with a friend or fellow caregiver, or leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. Thanks for listening, and take care.