Transcript
You’re listening to In Sickness, a podcast about caregiving, with Allison Breininger and Justin Bajema.
Justin: Good morning, Allison.
Allison: Hey, Justin.
Justin: How are you doing today?
Allison: I’m doing pretty well. We, since I last talked to you, had a big thing that happened to us. We lost yet another friend who has Fanconi Anemia and decided to fly to Michigan to go to the funeral and really had a moment of like, you know, should we do it, should we not? And once we were there, we were like, yes.
I think the answer is always yes. So, really glad that we went; really, really hard. Another, you know, close friend of ours, she was 29.
But then we got to see a lot of other FA people who were there at the funeral. So, it was good, but an unexpected–I mean, not that loss itself was unexpected, but an unexpected trip and just, you know, opens up a hole.
Justin: That’s heavy.
Allison: It’s super heavy. Super heavy. So, that was last week.
Still kind of working through that. And then Sean just had another biopsy a couple days ago. And so, you know, it’s just kind of the ush (usual).
Justin: Oh, I’m sorry that’s the ush.
Allison: The ush is like losing friends and having biopsies, but the good thing that happened in there is Maya turned 16.
Justin: Oh, wow.
Allison: So, that is a big deal.
Justin: That’s very exciting.
Allison: So, yeah, things are feeling good over here. We’re pretty busy and that feels like a lot, but it’s good stuff. I keep reminding myself, like, but it’s all good, good stuff.
So, I’ve got my Be Present shirt on today.
Justin: Oh, good.
Allison: I’m so just kind of running all over the place that I need to remind myself, like moments like this, like this is one of your favorite hours of the week. So, be present, Allison. Don’t just think about all the other things you have to do.
Justin: For sure.
Allison: Yeah. How about you? How are things over in your part of the world?
Justin: Things are going okay. Things are steady. I’m settling back into the routine of working every day again after the break.
I’ve been back at work for three weeks, so finding the routines again as far as getting ready and driving to work in the morning for the days that I go into the office. And just making that adjustment. I think it’s going okay so far.
It was the first week, I think, was pretty rough transition-wise, but it feels like things are settling down and getting the hang of things again. So that’s been good. We did have…
I mean, it’s been weird here. October, there was no rain, and it was super smoky.
Allison: In Washington?
Justin: In Washington. And we finally got our rain, which was a really nice, refreshing kind of like, okay, finally we can relax a little bit.
Allison: Yeah. You have to remember that when it’s raining every day.
Justin : I won’t, but yeah, I’m doing okay.
Allison: Yeah. All right. I wanted to mention off the top that last time in our Resentment episode, which I really, really loved that conversation, that I was quoting somebody that I had been coaching.
And I wanted to make super clear that I would only do that if I had that person’s permission. And so I had asked her beforehand, and actually it was her that said it. She’s the one who had said, you should do a podcast episode on resentment.
And then things we’re talking about. So I just wanted to be clear that I would never say anything here or anywhere else that came from a coaching session without the permission of the person. So I wanted to say that.
And that being said, that same person, she’s great. She’s always like, you guys should talk about this. You guys should talk about this.
So she was saying that she’s all about hacks. Hacks for caregiving. And she’s always trying to find, she’s still newish in the caregiving world.
And so trying to find ways to like, how does this work? How do we do this? How do we get through all the things?
And so we had put out on our social media, you know, does anybody else have hacks they wanna share? We’ve kind of been collecting them. And so, yeah, I was thinking today, we could talk about what are those things that we can do in caregiving to sort of simplify.
Justin: Right, that sounds great. Yeah, I think like as a culture, there’s this notion that like we need to, I don’t know, that there’s these like hacks out there to like become more efficient, to become more productive. And like, there’s this notion in our society that hat’s where your value comes from and how much you can do in being more efficient to all of that productivity.
That’s, I think, not what we’re giving, want to give these tips or advice for that purpose. As caregivers, we have, there’s so much to do. There’s always going to be so much to do.
I wish that there was like, here’s some steps or some specific things that will for sure lighten your load and make things feel manageable always. And unfortunately, a lot of times, this is just really hard, a hard life.
But that being said, there are things, and I hope we can share some things that will be helpful to those listening, that can not necessarily, for the purpose of being more efficient, but maybe to create space for yourself. Maybe to find a way that you can have a few more moments where maybe there’s just a little bit less stress that’s just bearing down on you. Maybe that gives you space to pause and breathe and sit and just be with yourself for a little bit.
So I think that’s kind of the tone that we want to kind of take with this, is we’re not trying to become super caregivers who can do all of the things. But how can we simplify things? How can we become more efficient and less stressed so that we can also have time for ourselves, but also to have those moments with the person we’re caring for that are not tied up in all of the caregiving stuff?
Allison: Totally. Yeah. I totally agree.
And I think that that’s… I kind of want to start there, too, is thinking about simplification. So not so much like, there’s all the things I have to do.
What are the hacks within the things I’m doing? But first, to start with, why are we doing all the things? Are there things on that list that really don’t need to be done?
And part of it, I think, is, especially for folks who are newer caregivers, it can feel like I want to just keep living the same life I lived before and doing all the things I did before. And sometimes that’s not an option. And it takes us a while to realize that.
Or I think as we, I want to say come out of COVID, but I also realize it is still very much present. But I think that, you know, everybody had sort of hunkered for a bit, and now people are back into the world. And so people are just go, go, go, go.
And so as it’s happening, we sort of can look around and say, well, everybody else is busy and everybody else’s kids are in 18 things and doing all these things and their house looks great and they’re done. So what about me? And so I think part of it is for us to stop and say, what needs to stay?
What needs to stay in the season that we’re in? What serves us in our family? What are we doing just because we think that it’s what people are doing?
Because the Instagram tells us that or the whoever, and why can we just cross off the list entirely? Not hack it, just be done with it.
Justin: Right.
Allison: Right? So again, I have a friend who was like, I was going to make this fancy dinner for my family. And I did all the shopping, and I did all the stuff.
And then my husband didn’t eat it because he was sick. And then the kids didn’t want it because it was fancy. And I used all this time and money and effort, and nobody ate it.
And I’m like, why did you do it? And she’s like, because that’s what moms are supposed to do, is make a fancy dinner. And I was like, says who?
Justin: Right.
Allison: Says who? Nobody knows what you’re cooking for dinner. And so how can we, within that there are some things that have to happen, right?
We all have to eat, we have to get places or whatever. How can we have some hacks within those? But what are the things that can just be eliminated completely?
Justin: Right.
Allison: So, you know, you and I have been doing this for a while, this caregiving thing, but are there things like that, that you were like, you know, in our previous world, we would have done that. We just don’t do that anymore. Or I see other people doing this.
But we just don’t. You know what I mean? Are there things you’ve just crossed off the list?
Justin: I’m sure there have been. Unfortunately, I don’t have anything that jumps to top of mind with that. I think that we, I feel like we lived somewhat of a simple life beforehand.
And I think, like through with Sarah getting real sick, there was, it just didn’t feel like an option to do so many things. Like it was kind of like it wasn’t that we were trying to do things. It was just like, we just couldn’t.
And so it wasn’t, and I think probably also, I think you alluded to this, but if you have kids and you’re a caregiver, there’s so much pressure to have your kids in all of the things and us not being in that situation like that pressure wasn’t there.
Allison: Right.
Justin: So like, I’m sure there are things that we don’t do as much. I mean, there’s, I don’t know, like, we traveled a fair bit before Sarah got sick. And we don’t do that now, but it’s, we would love to, but we can’t.
And it’s, I think there’s, you alluded to, like, you want to maintain this life that you had before. And I think that there is a, there is a grief process to go through to be like, and we’ve talked about this before, that it’s like, okay, this is letting go of the life that you had, the life you thought you were going to have and like, okay, this is, I’m on a new path. And there’s a lot of pain and there’s a lot of loss to experience in making that adjustment.
And that is hard. But I think as you can make that shift, like, I think that helps with what you’re saying, what things are, what things need to stay, what things can fall away.
Allison: Yeah, yeah. I almost think, and you know, I hate to give anybody a task, right?
Justin: Right.
Allison: But almost to think about like, to write down, like, the things you do in a day, right? I just saw this thing, Eve Rodsky, I believe is her name, is this author who wrote a book called Fair Play. And I think there’s also a documentary about it at this point that I’d really like to watch.
But she just talks about how, like, in many households, the domestic labor is very unevenly distributed between the man and the woman. And she’s even created, like, a board game about it that you can, like, take the tasks and, like, kind of help distribute it between the two of you.
Justin: Interesting.
AllisonL So she just did this little thing. I think it’s called a zine, if that’s the right word.
Justin: A zine.
Allison: Oh, thank you. Okay. Yep.
Thank you. Zine.
Justin: Short for magazine.
Allison: Oh, that makes so much more sense. Thank you. Yep.
Great. That’s what happens when you just read things, you know, you can’t actually hear it. A zine.
She did a zine with NPR, and it had some of it was like, write down all the things that you do at your house. And one of them was like, what are the things that you don’t really care? Like, the example given was like, if neither of you care if the bed is made, don’t make the bed.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: Cross it off the list. Right? If there are things like the example was like picking up the dog poop that are terrible, and take that and how can you like divide that?
So it’s not everything’s not on one person.
Justin: Right.
Allison: But I think that that’s part of this writing down all the things that we do and starting with like, what doesn’t need to be done? Like, what are we only doing because we feel like we’re supposed to, or we used to, or the neighbors are doing it, or we think that someone told us we should. And if we can cross them off, cross them off.
Justin: Right.
Allison: You know, like I used to be like PTA mom, like all this and I’m like, nope, nope. And I just can’t, I don’t have any guilt about it. You know, this is not a season in which I can do that.
And I did it in a season when I could. And maybe there’ll be another season when I can’t. But that’s not the thing right now.
You know, so I think that’s a good place to start is how to just simplify the big picture.
Justin: Right.
Allison: I think also within that, you know, I’ve talked to them before about like how I think that delegation is a form of self care.
Justin: Right.
Allison: So first off, cross off the things that don’t need to be there. Then what are things that you could delegate either to somebody else in your household, right? Or to other people.
And whether that is people in your circle, or maybe it’s a service, getting a service. I’m sure I’ve said this because it’s my favorite thing. But again, this year for my birthday, I got the shoveling service from my parents.
And I’m so excited.
Justin: That’s great.
Allison: Because there’s nothing like lying in your bed at 5:30 in the morning and hearing someone else shoveling your sidewalk. And so that was just something that like having that and knowing that I will never have to shovel this winter is like a huge weight off of my shoulders. Because as a reminder, I live in Minnesota, so there’s a lot of snow.
And so whether it’s delegating to someone else in your house or someone in your community or someone as a service, like what can you take off your plate, right? So I think when we talk about hacks today, it’s sort of like do that process first, and then what’s left? And then how can we hack the things that are still on there after we’ve done that process of taking things off?
That makes sense?
Justin: That makes a lot of sense. I think one thing to mention, a first thing to mention maybe that you just alluded to is so much like delegation, a tool that I know you use quite extensively to do that is the ianacare app, which allows you to leverage that delegation without having to do as much like, Hey, can you do this? Can you do this?
You can just put out, Hey, I need this done. And the people that are on your team can just grab that and do it. So as a caregiver, that may be something that could be really helpful for you.
So I encourage you to check that out.
Allison: Yeah, free in the app store, so it’s IANA, so it’s I-A-N-A, which stands for I Am Not Alone. And yeah, exactly. Like, I love just knowing it’s in my pocket, like, that if at any moment I’m like, Oh, no, we need a ride.
We needed this. We needed that. Like, I’ve got a team, I think my team has like 40 people that I can at any point just put a little request and be like, we need this thing and then bloop, somebody can pick it up.
So that’s a huge way to help when I say your community. I mean, like your community, like your team, like your family and your friends and whatever. So yes, that’s a huge hack, is the ianacare.
Justin: Right. So I thought we could kind of work through some different kind of areas of simplifying, make things easier, some things that we’ve learned over the years that help. So I thought maybe we could start around like the medical stuff that we’re dealing with all the time.
So one thing that Sarah and I developed, particularly when she was really sick, was this appointment bag. And so this was at a time when we were getting out of the house once a month to take her to an appointment. And that was what she had the stamina for.
So like, this bag could also have served going to a social event, but that just wasn’t on the table for us. So it’s like, you could also apply this to the leaving the house bag or whatever. But it had, you know, she would get very overstimulated, just like riding in the car.
So like needing things like an eye mask. She had, you know, her iPad to watch a, you know, comfort movie, noise canceling headphones, and then like medications. And you know, she has these cool patches for her forehead when she has a migraine.
And so having some of those in there, and just all these things that might be needed on a day where we’re leaving the house. What was helpful is like, some of that stuff you can have, you know, you can get a second eye mask to have in there, so you don’t have to pack that, right? But it doesn’t make sense to have like a second set of headphones or a second iPad to put in a bag.
Like, that’s not, who can afford that? So we had a little card in the pocket that had the list of things like on the day of, gather these specific things and put them in the bag. And that made things so much easier for me because she wasn’t able to like help with like putting that stuff together to leave the house.
But I knew that I could grab the bag, look at that list, grab these few things. And it wasn’t something that I had to be thinking about the day before or like the morning of, like trying to put this stuff together remembering what we needed to leave the house. So that was something helpful, and that could apply to some different contexts there.
Also I think now that bag is less important, but we have some things that we like, you have a little bag in the car maybe that has a few of the important things. And so you don’t have to remember to take that.
Allison: Yeah, because I think so much of it is the mental load.
Justin: Exactly.
Allison: And so when you’re like, oh, the appointment, did I bring all the things, and like, oh, what am I going to need? And so sort of knowing that, like because some people might be like, oh, who’s got time to write a little card? But if you write the little card once, you do it once, it relieves the mental load and the tasks for later.
There’s this thing that I did with my therapist called future templating. And so I did that like the summer before we went on our first trip to Washington, when I hadn’t flown in a long time, right? Or basically, you just sort of sit and play a movie in your head of what might happen and what you might need.
So I sat there and thought about like, if I’m on the airplane, and I’m feeling stressed, what might I need? And I like literally thought about what I could put in my bag that I might need in that moment. And then when I finished, I went and like literally filled my bag with those things.
And it made me feel so calm because I was like, anything that might happen, my bag is full of the items. You know what I mean? So I think sometimes instead we would just swirl.
But if we like literally play out the scenario and prepare in that way, and do it once, like you said, do it once. I mean, that’s brilliant. That’s what I should do is like write all those items down.
So the next time I go on an airplane, I can just go check, check, check. Here we go. It’s just saves you that mental.
So like, some of these things might be like, they take some time and energy up front, right? But then they save you later.
Justin: Yeah, for sure. One thing that I just thought of based on what you said with packing your own bag is like if you have if you’re putting together an appointment bag, put some stuff in there for you. Yes, like what what do you need on that day?
I know you have some items in like your gift boxes like a snack bar or like some calming tea like maybe those are things in there.
Allison: Exactly.
Justin: So that could be helpful. Another thing that was in that bag, but it’s kind of in its own thing, a very helpful thing that we did is we have a document on the computer that is Sarah’s med list, right? And it used to get updated a lot when we were trying to figure things out.
And so, you know, it’s got a date in the top where it’s like, okay, this is the date that this was last updated. But we would have a couple copies of the most current one in the bag.
Allison: Yep.
Justin: And so, you get to the doctor and they’re like, the nurse is in the room and like, okay, what medications are you taking? And it’s like, here, here’s the paper, they’re all there. And you don’t have to like, go through all of that.
And it’s easier for them because they can just run through the list. So that has always been a really helpful thing.
Allison: That’s Sean’s least favorite thing when they’re like, right, let’s go over your meds. He’s like, really?
Justin: And so I think we’ve also got on the bottom is Sarah has a few like allergies to some stuff, like with her dressing or with some medications. And so I think we’ve got those on the bottom too is like, okay, these are some allergies. And you could have some other documents like that, that you, you know, as you’re going to different medical appointments would be helpful to just have prepared and just save that time.
You know, it could be, you know, having a list of the diagnoses, the doctors that are treating them, you know, things like that. But what can you simplify there?
Allison: Somebody recommended that to us when, I can’t remember which one of the surgeries it was, but somebody who, like the doctor kept being like, wait, you have what? And wait, you did what? And you don’t have a bladder?
What? You know, and that’s just so like degrading and exhausting. And so somebody was like, you should just create like a simple, like bullet points thing.
Justin: Right.
Allison: This is Sean. Here’s the highlights. Laminate it and put it in the bag.
You know, because again, that sounds like a lot of time. And think how many times we would use all of those pieces. We would use that and how much angst that would save both of us on the day of.
Yeah. Yeah.
Justin: So a couple other things from the medical side of things. We have something that we use now is Sarah has a bad day bag. So like, on when she’s having a bad day, there’s certain things that are comforting, certain things that are helpful.
Allison: Yeah.
Justin: And like, she’s not good at communicating when she’s having a bad day, I need this, I need this, I need this. So we have those things in a bag, and she’s like, can you can I have my bag?
Allison: Yeah.
Justin: And it’s even got there’s a card with like her comfort movies. So she can just look at that, oh, yeah, I should just watch that or like, oh, here’s a one of those cool patches or, you know, here’s a ginger chew if I’m feeling nauseous or something like that. So it’s just like having that stuff accessible.
Another thing that helps me, and this is a super simple thing, I did this, you know, every week, caregivers fill the pill box, right? And do you ever have it when you’re dumping out the pills into your hand to put them in the thing and you get exactly seven and it’s the most exciting thing in the world? Do you ever have that?
I don’t know if anyone else experiences that sometimes.
So we have, there’s like this Tupperware and it’s got her meds in it, it’s got my meds in it, and pill bottles all look the same, the labels aren’t like super intuitive. You pick it up and it’s like, oh, this is this. So I, I got these round label stickers, I put them on the lids on the top, and I write what the medication is and I use one color for hers and I use one color for mine.
And it’s not a like, huge thing, but it just it removes a little bit of friction when I’m doing that. And it’s super helpful and it doesn’t, I don’t know that it saves me a ton of time, but it’s like a little bit less mental, mentally taxing or something. And so that’s a little thing.
Allison: Well, I think too, with these tasks, like can we either cross them off? Can we make them easier? Or can we make them more enjoyable?
Justin: Right.
Allison: Right? So for that, it might just be like, oh, it’s a little less stressful to do this if it’s color coded and easy. And I’m not like, what is this bottle?
And did I use this? You know what I mean? And so I think those can be our goals.
Like either it goes away, we make it easier, or we make it a little more enjoyable. Right? I’ve heard too, and we really want to try to have as many of these tips and tricks that are free as possible.
And I think so far, most of them have been. But there are some, and I haven’t personally tried this, but I know other people who have. You can get like a little machine thing that like spits the pills out each day, and spits them out at the time.
Or I know that there are prescription services you can sign up for where they come in like in a little packet. It’s like, here’s your Monday morning pills. And so I know for some folks who are concerned about the people in their life and who don’t take the meds, and if they’re not in the house, that that has been really helpful knowing that the machine is going to like spit it out at the right time.
So I have not used either of those services, but I know that they exist.
Justin: Yeah. Another thing, I mean, just getting more and more pharmacies, I think, especially probably during the pandemic started doing this, but getting your prescriptions delivered, I can do that from Safeway, and I don’t know that it really costs me anything more. I think, right, you know, they just fill it and throw it in the mail.
Allison: Yeah, awesome.
Justin: And so that can be a huge saver. Another thing that is I mean, there’s a small cost. But when Sarah was really sick, this was really helpful.
We had like a call button, right?
Allison: Yeah.
Justin: So she had a button and we came with two buttons. And so we had one in two different places where she would be, I think. And so if she needed me, I had a little thing that would be I could be less feeling like I need to be listening for her or I could go out to the garage and it was in range there and she could do all she had to do was like press this button.
Allison: Yeah.
Justin: And it would beep and I knew that she needed me.
Allison: Nice.
Justin: And so it made that just a little bit smoother.
Allison: Yeah.
Justin: So something like that could be helpful.
Allison: Smart. Yeah. I think other ones, you know, you talked about like some things that happened during the pandemic that have been helpful.
One is online appointments.
Justin: Right.
Allison: So we are sticking with, unless it’s a doctor that really needs to like look at him, touch him, you know what I mean? Otherwise we’re sticking with online as much as we can.
Justin: Yeah, for sure.
Allison: And that’s easier on all of us, right? I think another one that I, something I want to get better at is sort of like batching things or like designating time for things, right? To say like, instead of being like, oh, I’m going to, this, you know, just be like, okay, at this time, I’m going to make all the appointments.
Justin: Okay, yeah.
Allison: You know what I mean? Like, and sort of, so someone had put out, and when I requested, she said that she sets a timer for things like, I’m going to set a timer and for the next 20 minutes, I’m just going to walk around and clean up the house.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: Right. So I think sort of designating that, because like something I have found myself happening this weekend was I was feeling super overwhelmed and busy and all these tasks I felt like I should be doing. And then a family member kindly came over and was doing some yard work.
Justin: Nice.
Allison: And then I felt like I should be, I couldn’t tell if I should be there helping or if I should not be helping, you know what I mean? I was helping, but then the whole time I was just like, I should be doing these other things. And I kept trying to tell myself, no, like this isn’t that time.
This is yard work time. You know what I mean? So I think even sort of instead of just like fighting fires all the time to be like at Tuesdays at nine o’clock is when I call and make all the appointments.
Or on Fridays at three o’clock is when I pay all the bills. Right? So sort of batching things together so that instead of always feeling like there’s all the things to be like, oh, I’m going to get to those on Friday at three o’clock.
Justin: What we actually do is we’ve got like a weekly, Sarah got a notepad that’s like a weekly calendar sort of thing. And we went through like, these are the things that have to happen every week. And those are laid out like, this thing always happens on Monday.
This is a job for Monday. This is a job for Tuesday. And that’s just laid out there.
And so I don’t have to think about laundry. I only think about laundry on Saturdays because Saturdays, I do laundry. And so, you know, having those building a routine into that, to where it’s like this thing happens on this day, you’re not, you don’t have to carry around the fact that you haven’t filled the meds because that’s the thing that happens on this day, or you haven’t cleaned the bathrooms because that’s the thing that happens on this day.
And I think that can be helpful.
Allison: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Because I think otherwise, I’m just always thinking about all of it.
Yeah.
It doesn’t feel good. And I want to say that if anybody’s listening and is like, I can’t have a system, I can’t, like, you just got to pick and choose, right? You might hear 90% of the things we’re saying and are like, that is not for me.
That’s totally fine. That’s totally fine. And so I don’t want, you know, any of this to sound like intimidating or like, I can’t have that kind of system in my house.
It’s fine. Everybody’s house is really different.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: If we move on to food.
Justin: Yeah, sure.
Allison: Because like I said, like, that’s something we all got to do.
Justin:mWe all got to do that.
Allison: So speaking of batching, I think that’s one thing is like batch cooking. So some people like to do that, like we have this friend who’s an amazing cook, and sometimes he will just bring us a batch of burritos, homemade burritos. Sometimes they’re breakfast burritos, sometimes they’re full of vegetables, sometimes they’re whatever, but he individually wraps them and puts them in our freezer so that we can at any moment like take it out and two and a half minutes later, have this really nutritious, delicious burrito that he made.
I think that’s one thing is like if you have the energy, like, so you sort of said like, we pick a time and you say on Sundays, I’m going to like batch cook, you know, if that’s your thing. I’m not very good at eating things in the freezer, so that doesn’t work well for me. But for some people, that worked well.
We use a grocery delivery like called Shipt here. And have used that. We got a gift that a long time ago and just never went back.
Justin: Right.
Allison: And a couple of things that I love about it. One is that all three of us, Sean, Maya and I all have the app, so that throughout, as we are like, oh, we’re almost out of butter, you just add it to the app list as you’re going. So that it’s just this continuous list.
So then we just get to the weekend, and we’re like, everybody got everything? Great, push the button. So that has been really helpful.
Plus the time that it takes of us not going to the store. Plus, here we have Supertarget. And I know that if I went there in person, I would just buy so many more things.
So that’s how I justify the delivery fee, I just know that I would spend way more than the delivery fee if I was in the store. Actually buying things. So we do grocery delivery, and that has been huge.
I know some people have tried things like HelloFresh, like those kind of things. Or even there are some things that it’s like prepared meals all the way, and you just come and you heat them up. So I think, depending on your situation, there’s lots of different things with food.
There’s also some organizations. And so you could look in your local area that there are organizations, I know for seniors for sure, but I think sometimes also for people with chronic illness where they come and bring you meals.
Justin: Right.
Allison: So, yeah.
Justin: And just another thing to tag on to the food side of things, have in your freezer some, I don’t know, some frozen pizzas or something just super basic, something that’s there, so that if there’s a day where everything just goes sideways, you can feed your family, and it doesn’t matter that it’s something like a frozen pizza, but you can let yourself off the hook for that and have something available.
Allison: Totally, yes.
Justin: I think it’s great. We’ve been doing the grocery delivery. Prior to that, we just did a pickup, and there was a store right next to where I worked, and so I’d get off work, I’d park, and they’d just bring it out to the car, which was, I think that there’s some cost associated with getting groceries delivered.
The pickup, I think, I don’t know that there was a much significant additional cost, but it saved the time of going in the store, and I was already there, and so that’s kind of something that was helpful for us with that piece.
Allison: I think, too, anything you can put on a subscription, so like cat food, like we know we’re just always gonna need cat food, right? So we put it on a subscription, and it just shows up at the door, which is also nice, I think, to do with things that are heavy. You know what I mean?
That’s the reason I like the grocery delivery as well, is because I can put kitty litter and bottled water, you know, or like sparkling water and dog food and things that are really heavy that I don’t have to be lugging, because then they come right to my front doorstep. But anything that you can put on that you know, like toilet paper, whatever, that you just know you’re gonna keep needing, that you can put on subscription so that you don’t have to ever be like, oh no.
Justin: Yeah, that’s super smart.
Allison: Oh, somebody was talking about appliances. So I don’t have one of these, but I know a lot of people who have like a Roomba. Do you have a Roomba?
Justin: We have had one in the past. We don’t currently have one now.
Allison: People either love it or hate it. I have actually, I just asked a friend if I could just borrow hers and see how it would work. But I’ve had a couple people say, I have a Roomba, and now there’s like a mop version of a Roomba.
And they just said, it just takes something off my, it’s like doing it for me. Somebody else said that they are getting rid of all of their water bottles and stuff that are not dishwasher safe, so that they don’t have to hand wash stuff. And so they’re just like, we’re just using all the things that can go in the dishwasher, which is smart.
Justin: That is, it’s a little thing, but that, yeah, it takes-
Allison: It can add up.
Justin: It can add up.
Allison: Yeah, yeah. Also about like things like multitasking. So somebody said like, if you’re working from home and you’re doing video calls, but it’s the kind of thing where you are just listening and your video’s off, like, can you be doing other things?
Now, with that, I don’t want us to get too much into the efficiency of like, it’s not okay to sit still and just listen, right? And if it’s like a boring lecture or whatever and you can fold laundry with your camera off, then maybe that’s an option.
Justin: Yeah. One thing around, we’re talking about like some housework kind of stuff. There’s a book that I’ve seen recommended in a couple of places.
I know some people who found it helpful. It’s called How to Keep House While Drowning, which sounds like a situation related to caregiving. Yes.
It’s by a woman named KC Davis. It’s just the letter K and the letter C. Apparently, she’s also big on TikTok.
But I got a copy of it because I wanted to like, one, I think it probably could be helpful for me, and two, if I was gonna mention it, I wanted to know kind of a little more about it. But she has a really gentle approach to housework and the fact that the condition of your house is like morally neutral.
Allison: Mm, say that again.
Justin: The condition of your house is like, it’s morally neutral. It’s not a reflection of you. You’ve got a lot going on.
And there’s things like, you know, she talks about having a mind shift or like, you see your sink full of dishes and it’s not like, oh, I’m behind on doing the dishes. It’s like, I fed my family.
Allison: Yeah.
Justin: And so that if housework and staying on top of that and the pressure of that is something that you feel, I think that could be a helpful book. She’s got some things on like, okay, here’s some super basic strategies to, you know, this room is a mess, how to tackle it. And like, if you get through step one, that’s fine.
Like step one is like the most urgent. And like, I just, I think it could be, can be helpful to kind of build a different relationship with like your home and have it serve you rather than feel like you’re working for it. So that’s a thought.
Allison: Wow, you just like dropped a lot of the truth bombs there. I mean, I think that’s so true. I mean, I look around and like, we have three animals in this house.
And so there’s like a lot of hair going on. And I’m just like, I’m the worst because the floor, I should be cleaning every day. And you know, and you’re right, I like I make it a moral judgment on myself.
Of like, clearly I’m the worst because I didn’t sweep the floor today. You know, but I love the reframing. And so maybe the reframing is like, isn’t it great that I have all these animals in my house?
Justin: Right.
Allison: I mean, I saw that on like a thing about the yard because our yard used to be really nice and now we have a dog. And they were like, you know, you can have a nice yard. Someday you’ll have, your dog will not be here and you’ll have a nice yard and you’ll wish you had the dog or something like that, you know.
So I think that reframing of like, wow, look at all those dishes in the sink. That means I fed my family, you know. That’s pretty beautiful.
Yeah. I think too, in houses where there are kids, like, what are the ways that you can get the kids, I’m not good at this, I need to work on this with my own, get the kids to be contributing. So when we started on that first thing about like the list of how can you delegate within your house, right?
What can that look like? And then thinking also about like their extracurriculars and that like, you don’t have to be in everything.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: Even if your neighbor’s in everything, your kid doesn’t have to be in everything, you know. And if they are, like, are there things they can do online so you don’t have to drive them around town and that kind of thing. You know, for some people, like, if they have free and reduced lunch or if they can afford the school lunch, like, that’s one less thing you have to pack.
If they can just have lunch or breakfast at school.
Justin: Right.
Allison: It’s really nice. So yeah, just a couple of good things. I think the other thing is like, when you think about services, like instead of saying like, I’m gonna go get a gardener or a shoveling fancy thing, like can you find the 14 year old down the block who’s not old enough for a job, but will like for a very excited $15, do this thing that somebody else would charge so much more for.
So where are those places? Or do you have like a teenage niece that can come watch your kids instead of getting a nanny? You know what I mean?
Like where are the places like that where it’s like a win-win for them, for you, for the kids, for everybody? And it’s a little bit more affordable, you know?
Justin: Right, yeah.
Allison: I think one last thing that this friend had suggested was like maybe just don’t buy that thing. Because she said sometimes like we think like, you know, some people buy things to, you know, fill up their heart jar, their bucket there.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: You know, make them feel better. But then in the end, it’s like then it arrives, and then you’ve got this box to deal with, and then it doesn’t fit, and then you have to return it. And you know what I mean?
So we think it’s gonna be this like little solution for us, like I’m gonna treat myself by buying this thing. Sometimes that’s not the case, and you just have more in your house and more things. And so what are the ways you can simplify in that way as well?
And can you fill up your bucket by like going outside or doing something that’s free and that doesn’t turn into like a whole bunch of other tasks, you know?
Justin: No, that’s great. A couple like sort of miscellaneous things that I had written down just to mention. One thing that I think I learned about from you, and it’s not, is that I think it’s, at least your local airport has this Invisible Traveler program where they have like a lanyard or something you can get that denotes to staff that even though it might not be externally apparent that you need more time or have something going on, it alerts them to that and they can help you navigate through what is often a stressful situation.
So I don’t know if that’s a thing at other airports, but that might be something to look into.
Allison: So I know it’s here in Minneapolis. I know it’s in my hometown in Fort Wayne, Indiana, as where I actually first saw it. And then I heard it, must have been when we were in Seattle, I heard them announce it on the loudspeaker about like different things that they have for people with different disabilities.
And so they have it there too. So I just walked up to it in the Minneapolis airport, I just walked up to the info desk and said, do you have this? And she gave me a whole little kit.
Oh, wow. So I’ll do it someday. I’ll do a post about all of that and what that can look like.
The other travel hack that we’ve been using lately is a wheelchair.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: And like we’ve, it’s only been on Delta. I’m sure you can do with other ones, but when you’re booking your ticket, you can just say, click, we need a wheelchair. And then you walk in the airport and say, we need a wheelchair.
They’ve got your name, you show them your boarding pass. And then the great thing is, when you do it from like right away, they take it, you get to go to the front of all the lines. So like you don’t have to wait in the security line and all of that.
And it’s just really helpful and slick. And then as soon as you get off the plane, there’s somebody standing, sitting there waiting with your name and a wheelchair ready to go. And so that, it’s free.
I mean, you want to tip them, right? But it’s free. And so that has been really helpful for us.
And I think I didn’t realize that I could just like click the box. I always thought I would have to like go find somebody and whatever. And so that’s been really nice.
Justin: And that’s probably the kind of thing that like, even if you’re not 100% sure that you’re going to need it, like mark, check it down. And if for some reason that comes around like, oh, actually we’re okay. But it’s harder when you show up to the airport, if you haven’t set that up, it’s harder to get it at that point.
Another travel thing that I think again, you had mentioned at one point is travel insurance, which often is not super expensive. But if you’re traveling with someone who has a chronic illness or is sick, like you don’t know what’s going to happen. And that can keep you from being out a lot of money.
So that’s a pretty simple thing from a traveling perspective.
Allison: We also know I have a friend who started a travel agency that specializes in supporting folks who have different disabilities.
Justin: Oh, wow.
Allison: It’s called The Greater Go. And so she, you know, one time we took a trip, and she helped us make sure that there was like, we got a motorized wheelchair that we got to use the whole time. So she like found it and rented it and had it at the right spot.
She does things like oxygen tanks for people, or she’ll like figure out like this is, you know, we were on a cruise, and then she was like, these are the excursions that you might be able to take and these are the ones you might want to avoid. And it was great.
Justin: Great.
Allison: So that’s her specialty. It’s called the Greater Go, and I mean, she supports people in any place. And so I highly recommend that because that’s what she does.
That’s what she specializes in.
Justin: That’s great.
Allison: One last thing I’ll say is for a couple quick ones. One is I haven’t found this because I think it’s maybe around breast cancer, but I have heard that there’s a thing where you can get your house cleaned for free, I think, if the person in your life has breast cancer.
Justin: Wow.
Allison: Yeah. So, which again is a little bit like, you know, saying that like the person who’s cleaning the house is probably the woman and yeah, you know, all the things. So that’s just something to look into that I’ve heard of, the free house cleaning.
The other one, I think this is nationwide, but I am on a Facebook page. It’s called like Buy Nothing, Sell Nothing.
Justin: Right, yeah, a lot of areas have those kind of things. Yeah, for sure.
Allison: And I love that because, I mean, it is like a little extra step, but it’s like today, I just had like seven giant boxes that were empty. And instead of like breaking them all down and dah, dah, dah, I just put a picture of them on the page, that anybody needs boxes, someone said, yep. I put them on my front steps and now they’re gone.
Justin: Right, so when you mentioned it, I was thinking like, oh, this is a way to, things that you might need to get, but yeah, to get rid of things.
Allison: Yeah.
Justin: Things you don’t need in your house anymore.
Allison: So for me minimizing, right?
Because then you’re not driving to Goodwill to drop off a donation.
You put it on your front step, someone comes to get it.
Justin: That’s great.
Allison: But same for like, for getting things, right, that you might need, that you can get those for free. And you know, they’re neighborhood based, so you don’t have to go very far and all of that stuff. But I like it, because I’m always trying to get stuff out of the house.
Justin: Right, yeah, for sure.
Allison: So it’s an easy way to do that.
Supporters. I mean, I’m thinking like so many other things that we often say, like, so could a supporter offer to, you know, offer to get some of these services, right? To say, like, especially with holidays coming up, you know, to say like, hey, would you like a shoveling service?
Would you like a meal delivery service? Would you like, you know, what are those pieces? Would you like me to pay for this extracurricular thing your kid is in this year?
Like, how can a supporter do that? Or can the supporter actually do the things? You know, maybe the supporter does the batch cooking and says, hey, I know that you like burritos.
I’m going to drop off a cooler full of burritos.
Justin: Yeah, instead of like, can I bring you dinner on Tuesday? Hey, can I bring you some meals for your freezer?
Allison: But check first, because like, if it’s my freezer, there’s no room in there.
Justin: There’s no room.
Allison: But check first, you know. So I think any of those pieces, right, that we talked about delegating out, supporters, if you put the offer there first, then that’s a hack, right? Like, that’s a way that the caregiver doesn’t have to ask.
So to offer food, offer rides, offer cleaning, offer yard work, pet help, child care, any of those pieces. And I think also, even if it’s the kind of thing where, like, we’ve gotten to a place, we had some friends go over there today for, like, a doggy playdate. And they just know us well enough that I was like, look, I got some tap water I can offer you.
That’s about it. And so for me to just be like, I’m not going to pretend to be fancy. I’m not going to go.
I don’t have it in me to get, like, a charcuterie board for today, right? And so for friends to know that, like, if they’re coming over to not have expectations or to say, like, hey, we’ll bring the snack or whatever that is, you know, so that I think we can just sort of stop with the keeping up with the Joneses thing.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: You know?
Mm-hmm.
And yeah, do what we can.
Justin: Another thing for supporters that I thought of here is there’s often a lot of, like, or maybe not a lot, but there’s community organizations, there’s local charities that have various services that could be helpful to you as a caregiver, right? You mentioned, like, meal delivery. I know that there’s a…
We have one here. I don’t know if elsewhere they have these, but they specialize in, like, wheelchairs and other, like, medical-type equipment that you need, or, like, I think they even do, like, grab bars and that kind of stuff, that if you need those, they will provide those for free if you have them and you no longer need them, you can donate there. But there’s all of these organizations out there, and as a caregiver, like, who has time to, like, figure out what all of these are?
So if you’re a supporter, like, and you’ve got some time, figure out what organizations are out there that might have services that could help the person in your life who is a caregiver, and then, yeah, let them know that, hey, I heard about this or I found this that might be helpful for you. So that, because that’s, as a caregiver, to try to, like, here’s another thing I have to try t0 source out and figure out, like, is there resources there for me that I don’t know about? Like, that’s work that as a supporter you can do and potentially help take something off their plate.
Allison: Totally.
Justin: And, yeah.
Allison: So maybe even for the supporter to say, hey, I’ve got some extra time, and I’m wondering, are there any kind of resources you want me to look up?
Justin: Yeah, that’s right. You can do that.
Allison: Like, you know, because that’s kind of, like, my mom is really good at researching things.
Justin : Yeah.
Allison: Sometimes I’ll just be like, mom, can you look for a thing?
Justin: Like, other, if you’re someone who’s, there are people who are just more plugged into the community and know what people are doing. I think it’s, like, the Lions Club that does this wheelchair thing. Yeah.
And so, like, if you’re plugged into some of those, like, organizations, like, you may just be more aware of that kind of stuff. And so, you know, keep your ear open, share what you know, and help out a caregiver.
Allison: Yeah. Yeah. And supporter also, if you go up to someone’s house and it’s not all clean or it’s not whatever, be cool about it, you know?
Justin: Yeah. Yeah.
Allison: You know, to help us, like, if we’re trying to simplify and make sure that everything’s not all the fancy shiny things all the time, like, it helps us if you don’t walk in and it’s like, eww, you know? Not that I think our people would, but, you know, just like, yeah, yeah. So I think, in summary, that it’s a good thing to sort of start, and I think this is not just for caregivers, for everybody, but like, start with a list of, like, what are the things you do each day or each week?
Justin: Yep.
Allison: Cross off the things that you’re doing that don’t really need to be done, that you’re doing maybe just because you think everybody’s doing it or somebody expected or you used to do it, but it doesn’t serve you anymore. Cross it off.
Justin: Right.
Allison: Or cross off the things like making the bed, if that’s something that, like, you and your partner, like, don’t care about, right? Cross it off. Then see what are the things you can delegate within your household.
Justin: Yep.
Allison: Then delegate within your community and consider, you know, downloading the ianacare app, building a team and delegate it that way, or delegating to some sort of resource or a service. And then hopefully your list has just shrunk quite a bit, we hope. And then with what’s left, think about what you can either hack to make it easier or, like you said, more enjoyable, right?
Even if it’s, you know, like the little stickers or whatever, like makes it both easier, but also like a little more pleasant to do.
Justin: Yeah. Someone mentioned, like, listening to your favorite song while you’re doing your meds, filling the meds. And like, I’ll watch some TV while I do the meds, you know, putting in some of that.
Allison: Yeah.
Right. And I think for me, something I’m going to try to do is this sort of like, almost like time batching to be like, right now is the time, so that I’m not always feeling like I should be doing something different, to be like, in this moment, the thing I’m doing is this, and I’m going to be present in this thing. And then, you know, like somebody said setting timer, so I could say, and then in 20 minutes, I’m going to go do that thing.
Justin: Right.
Allison: But I think that will help me to be present and to feel less pulled. That makes sense.
Justin: Yeah.
Allison: Yeah. All right. Any of these that you’re going to go try?
Justin: I like the idea, like I feel like we’ve done some of this, but writing down the things that I do, you know, in a day or week, like I think it’s probably been a while since I’ve done an exercise like that. Yeah, and just like I, not that I feel like at this point, there’s a lot of like superfluous stuff there, but I don’t know, thinking about where my time is being spent. And I don’t know, because I think we have this list of like this, we write that down and we see where our energy is going, we see where our time is going.
We probably have this mental list or idea of where we would like our time and energy to be going. And like, unfortunately, in our situations as caregivers, probably, we probably can’t fully make that shift. Because there is just all of this caregiving stuff.
But what can you, what shifts can you make to make some of that a reality or to ease some of the stress or open up some pockets of time for you to sit on the deck and drink your coffee and watch the sun come up or, you know, that kind of thing? We’re not going to shift our lives to where we can, you know, spend every day at the beach, you know, soaking up the sun or whatever. But like, we can have…
Allison: We’re not?
Justin: Maybe, maybe we’ll figure it out. Maybe we’ll figure it out. If you do figure it out, let us know, please.
Allison: I will. I don’t know how to find a beach.
Justin: But yeah, hopefully, that what we’ve shared here today, at least if there’s not a specific, like, oh, that specific thing helps me in this, in my life, but there’s getting the ball rolling mentally on kind of working through how you can try to simplify what’s going on in your life, what you have on your plate, so that you can have time for yourself and time to recharge and time to not feel like you’re constantly running around putting out fires, because, like, you deserve to have time spent as you want that time spent, and you are worth having your own, like, dreams and realities and, like, not constantly feeling like you’re at the whim of this role as a caregiver, I guess. And that it’s not your ability to do all the things somehow that makes you valuable or worthy as a person, but it’s just you are by being a human. So yeah.
Allison: Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you for that. Yeah. Good.
Well, I think those are great words to end on. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, next time we’ll report back and see if we’ve tried any of these things. And if they’ve been supportive of us. So thanks to everybody who gave us some of your ideas.
Justin: Yeah. We really appreciate it.
Allison: If you have more that you want to share with us later or other ideas for episodes or anything like that that you want to reach out, please do.
Justin: Yeah, for sure.
Allison: All right. Have a good week, friend. I’ll see you later.
Justin: Sounds good.
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